Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Sunshine




It has rained every day since I've been at the lake (as a matter of fact it started raining while these were being taken), but it's been a while since I have had this much sunshine in my life. Bear lake is my safe haven, each time I'm here I feel so at peace. I am able to reflect on who I am and where I am going and marvel at the beauty all around me. This place brings me so much joy. 



This is were I'm supposed to be, and I'm ready for what this summer holds. 

I've realized lately that everyone is dealing with their own personal struggles, and what may not seem hard at all for me can be someone else's greatest struggle. We all suffer from disappointments, broken hearts, physical and mental illnesses, and moments of hurt and confusion. We are all carrying our own personal burdens, yet so often we tear each other down. In the midst of our clouds of doubt we forget to lend hands of compassion. When we forget to see the sunshine we often forget that we can be the sunshine in another's life. 

I want to bring the sunshine with me. I want to be a source of happiness to others by knowing myself and loving who I am and the woman I am becoming. I want to help others on their journey as they help me on mine. Life isn't meant to be walked alone, we're all just walking each other home. So let's be a little kinder, a little more understanding, and a little more loving. 



Outfit Details: 
Headscarf: Vintage 
Top: Forever 21 (from cousin Didi)
Dress: Ross
Shoes: Hand me down from a friend 




Thursday, May 19, 2016

Her Heart Could Never Settle In A Cage



I have officially completed one year of college and I am overwhelmed with the emotions that this brings. I have grown so much in this past year and I am proud of myself. When I came to Utah State I was afraid. I was scared that I wouldn't meet anyone, scared that I wouldn't belong, and scared that I would lose who I am. 

It's overwhelming to think of what I have done this year in regards to my own personal growth. And as my Mom loves to refer to it-- I've realized that I have wings and I love using them. I'm realizing who I am and I am finding myself . This summer I've set out on another adventure- Instead of returning home  I am staying in Bear Lake and working. 



In a recent post I wrote about how I feel everything on a deeper level than most, and this year I've really felt that in regards to my heart. I think that there are so many ways in which we feel- different ways that we give each other our hearts- and that takes a lot of trust. Giving someone your heart in any way makes you vulnerable. And when I give my heart to someone I give it without looking back. I love without condition and forgive even when others don't deserve it.

And before this year, I don't think that I've ever really fallen in love. This year I fell in love and it hurt. It wasn't meant to be, and for a long time my heart was broken. I trusted this boy. We were best friends and he knew everything about me from my fears to my sense of humor. I told him everything and he told me everything, until one day that changed. I was so hurt by him, but he still was holding my heart, and I couldn't help but forgive him. That's the way I am- I cannot help but forgive and forgive completely. I learned that I can forgive- but I have to forget.

I love the poet r m drake and this poem truly struck me:

She was never crazy. 
She just didn't want her heart to settle in a cage.

My heart was never meant to settle in a cage. I'm tired of being trapped and being hurt, and I'm setting myself free. This summer will be a time to find myself and I couldn't possibly be more excited. 




Outfit details:
Hat: Borrowed from sister (F21)
Dress: Ross
Tights: Forgotten
Shoes: Thrifted





Friday, March 4, 2016

Grey Gardens

               
                              “This is the best thing to wear for the day. You understand. Because I don't like women in skirts, and the best thing is to wear pantyhose or some pants… under a short skirt, I think. Then you have the pants under the skirt, and then you can pull the stockings up over the pants, underneath the skirt. And you can always take off the skirt and use it as a cape. So I think this is the best costume for the day.” (Grey Gardens, "Grey Gardens Transcript"). I watched captivated as Drew Barrymore spun in a circle reciting the famous lines of Edith Bouvier Beale. She was dressed in a turtle neck with a dark scarfed carefully wrapped around her head and pinned in place with a large broach. Her costume was completed with a pair of dark panty hose and a stretch of cloth pinned together as a skirt. The outfit was odd, but somehow I felt connected to the woman who in desperation came up with it. Immediately I fell in love with the heart wrenching story of Edith Bouvier Bealse—Little Edie—and began to learn more of her story. Edie’s story is captivatingly tragic, and as I have learned of her she has become an inspiration to me in writing, fashion, and bravery.

Image Source- Huffington Post (Adams). 

               My first introduction to Edie was through Drew Barrymore’s portrayal of her in the 2009 movie Grey Gardens. The movie was a depiction of Edith Bouvier Beale’s life, and her relationship with her mother. It showed her and her mother who shared the same name causing them to be referred to as Little Edie and Big Edie.  The movie enthralled me. Perhaps I saw it like Little Edie when she stated “[Grey Gardens] is oozing with romance, ghosts, and other things” ("Fascinating Facts & Quotable Quotes"). I was captured in the fashion, charisma, and story of Little Edie and her life at Grey Gardens, and the more I have learned about Edith the more I have wanted to share her story.

               Edith Bouvier Beale was born on November 7, 1917 in Manhattan, New York to the elite socialite couple Phelan Beale and Edith Bouvier ("About Little Edie"). She lived a life of luxury – the type of lifestyle only the elite could afford. As a young child Edith was doted on by her mother, and they developed a close relationship that would stand the tests and trials of time. Little Edie attended Spence School—a private school for the wealthy in New York ("About Little Edie") —but was pulled out of school for two years when she was eleven by her Mother for a mysterious respiratory illness (Sheehy). While little Edie was supposedly too ill to go to school she spent her days with her mother visiting plays and “talkie” movies nearly every day (Sheehy). As Edith grows older it is clear to see that these films played a large role in who she hoped to become and her bold personality.

     Perhaps the best way to understand Little Edie is through her own words. In 1929 Edith began recording her thoughts and feelings in a personal journal (Counter). Here she recounts her day to day life and her feelings about herself. In a self-description Little Edie wrote "I can’t really tell you if I am pretty or what kind of girl I am but … I have long hair, blonde, getting darker, deep blue eyes, a pug nose and a rather decided mouth. I am by no means fat, but I have a good body and big feet.”(Sheehy). Although Little Edie’s physical description of herself enables us to recreate a picture of her in our minds perhaps the most defining characteristic of Edith was her personality. Of this she wrote "I only mark the hours that shine" (Counter). As Little Edie grows older and her tragic story begins, it becomes evident that Edie truly does mark only the hours that shine. Her positive personality and bravery enabled her to get through her bleak future at Grey Gardens.
              
     Little Edie’s diary is also essential in giving us the first glimpse into Little Edie and Big Edie’s relationship, and Little Edie’s aspirations. When writing of her love for her mother Little Edie journaled- "I have two great loves in my life. First, I love my mother, which will always go on, never be forgotten or forsaken. Most children think that mother love is a thing taken for granted, isn’t it?”(Sheehy). She continues, emphasizing how her love for her mother supersedes all other loves she will ever have even her second ‘great love’ for a boy. Edie also records in her diary her hopes and dreams of becoming an author, dancer, and costume designer. In a moment of eleven year old wisdom uncommon in her time Edie wrote, “Have I really got brains enough to get away from marriage and children?” (Counter). Edie’s sentiments here are surprising for her time. Edie saw a future for herself outside of what many women of her time were able to see. In Rosemary Counter’s review of Edie’s published journal she states “sadder than cruel irony is lost potential” (Counter).This is perhaps another reason Little Edie caught my attention so fully. She was so beautiful, talented, and charismatic, yet she put aside her own future because of her love for her mother.
Image Source- Huffington Post (Adams). 

Image Source- Huffington Post (Adams). 

Image Source: Huffington Post (Laden). 


               In 1935 when Little Edie was 17 years old she graduated from Spence- a private school for the wealthy- in New York. After her graduation Edie was introduced to society. Edie was commonly known as the “It” girl with her blond hair and tall beautiful figure; her beauty earned her the name of “Body Beautiful Beale” from her many suitors. In her youth Edith was even considered more beautiful than her cousin, the future Jaqueline Kennedy. ("About Little Edie").

            As I look at photographs of Little Edie I am enthralled. Her personality seems to shine through her modeling and I imagine who the girl in the photograph was. As Edie’s story continued I learned that she was at one point a model for Macy’s, until her father demanded she stop (Sheehy). Edith, however, had big dreams. She planned to audition for Max Gordon, a famous Broadway producer, and become a star (Sheehy). Unfortunately Edith never had the opportunity to audition. When asked why she was unable to audition years later she detailed “Mother got the cats. That’s when she brought me down from New York to take care of them." (Sheehy). Little Edie’s love for her mother changed her life, and ultimately forced her to abandon her dreams.

Image Source- Huffington Post (Laden). 

Image Source- Huffington Post (Adams). 

               In Edie’s diary she recorded “It’s awfully funny the way things change. Life wouldn’t be life without change” (Counter), words ominously profound for an eleven year old girl. Little Edie’s life drastically changed in the following years. Phelan Beale divorced Big Edie through telegram, leaving her with little hope and even less money (Sheehy). All Big Edie had was her daughter, whom she desperately clung to, and her estate.
 
Image Source: Huffington Post (Laden). 

               In the following years Little Edie and her mother, unable to maintain the Grey Gardens, fell into a state of squalor. The Beale women lived in a state of poverty and filth. Their house was overrun with raccoons and cats and was covered in a layer of animal feces and garbage. (Grey Gardens). It was only after Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis intervened with a $25,000 check for a cleanup that the Beale women’s conditions began to improve (Sheehy). Jackie Kennedy also assisted her aunt and cousin with maintaining the property, gas and water bills, and a small sum for food ("Fascinating Facts & Quotable Quotes").
 
Image Source- Huffington Post (Adams). 


     I cannot describe the emotions that streamed through me as I watched Little Edie in the documentary Grey Gardens. Although she seemed to be leaving in the most horrific circumstances she sang, danced, and took care of her mother. Gail Sheehy, a neighbor to Grey Gardens, provided a vivid description of the first moment he saw Edit: “A middle-aged woman was coming through the catalpa trees, dressed for church but most oddly: a sweater wrapped around her head and her skirt on upside down. Her face was oddly young, as if suspended in time, faintly freckled and innocent, but painted with thick dark lipstick and heavy eyeliner” (Sheehy).  Perhaps Edie can be best described through the words of her dedicated fans. She was “faded but still beautiful, defeated yet invincible” (Broverman).

 
Image Source: Huffington Post (Adams). 

               To this day Little Edie’s legacy endures in the form of documentary, film, play, photographs, and even a fashion line inspired by the Beale women (Laden). Edith has changed my view of fashion and clothing. She has taught me that what matters is not what others think of you—but of what you think of yourself. Edith has shown me to make do with what I have, and that if you are beautiful inside it will be reflected no matter what you are wearing. Her beautiful legacy of selflessness, bravery, and ever enduring love inspires me. Little Edie truly is a legacy.
Image Source: Huffington Post (Adams). 





Works Cited



Broverman, Neal. "Tending Grey Gardens." Advocate 978 (2007): 66. Academic Search Premier. Web. 4 Mar. 2016.

Counter, Rosemary. "I Only Mark The Hours That Shine, Little Edie's Diary 1929." Maclean's 123.33/34 (2010): 87-88. Academic Search Premier. Web. 4 Mar. 2016.


Grey Gardens. Maysles, David, Albert Maysles, Ellen Hovde, Muffie Meyer, Susan Froemke, Edith B. Beale, and Edie Beale. Portrait Films, 1975. Documentary.